Mallu-bashing!

This is to all those who consider Mallus to be direct descendants from Neanderthals

I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation that this fat Punjabi girl of 20-something was having with her friend about Mallus (Malayalis shortened) in general. Well, it wasn’t exactly eavesdropping considering the fact that she was too loud to be inside a book-store and was holding the Tinkle in her hand upside-down which served to keep the cleavage- peepers more amused than her bosom. The enlightenment continued for a good 20 minutes wherein she drawled about how the Mallu men stank and Mallu girls emptied all the coconut oil barrels in the world, that Mallus had no sense of humour, that we are rude and rash, that we cannot speak good English (‘inglis’ according to this Mata Punjabi Devi) and so on. To top it all, the enlightenment session even consisted of a lesson on the ever-increasing testosterone levels of Mallu men that deemed us all hornier than dogs in the season.  All this was apparently an adage in in her family. Before I could find an apt enough retort to confront this stupid stranger with, the 20-something “kid” strenuously gathered all her weight up from the couch with her Tinkle in one hand and walked away.

I got thinking. Was there any rationality in what that little-field-of-wheat said? Did she know anything at all about us before she resorted to such generalization herself; let alone what her family thinks? In my opinion, we, the proud Malayalis, are subject to such irrational generalization that spreads like wildfire which only ends in people turning their faces and ears away when they meet a Mallu. It is quite disheartening at times to hear even Kannadigas and Andhra-ites speak ill of Mallus despite knowing very little about us, our land, heritage or our ways of life.

Yes, we use coconut oil as much as Punjabis use onions, but we don’t swim or sleep in it as you make out to be. Sense of humour? Bah! That small brain of yours is not designed to understand our sense of humour and penchant for humorous sarcasm. Mallu sense of humour has its very base on sarcasm (I used to know a girl long back who considered senseless sarcasm to be a way of life – now, that’s nonsense). We are not rude. That is the way we talk just like how you loudly babble away in movie theatres and cremation halls irritating even the dogs near you.

 Let me tell you all something. You guys are plain jealous of us. You’re asking me why? I will tell you why:

1)      Kerala is one of the hippest and most sought-after tourist destinations in the world, yes, I said world. Our land is home to such diversity that many of you out there may only be able to dream about and never offer.

2)      Admit it, Mallus are brainy. We are bloody good at whatever we do and that’s exactly why there is a Mallu in every corner of the world. As the joke goes, you might even be able to spot a Mallu tea-shop in moon if you really check.

3)       Speaking English? Or ‘inglis’ as you call it? Let me tell you that, we Mallus speak much better English than all of you put together. Mother-tongue influence, yes, but only as much as Biharis, Punjabis or Gujjus have. And should I remind you all about the literary heritage of my land? Or the great writers like Ezhuthachan? Or about the novels of Anita Nair and Jaisree Misra?

4)      I have come across many Punjabis and Biharis who consider Kerala to be a part of Tamilnadu and vice-versa. Come on, you got to give it to us, our geography teachers were more learned than yours. And hey, Kerala does not ONLY consist of Cochin. There are 13 other districts there, for God’s sake.

5)      No, we do not have an elephant in every house and kathakali is not the only form of art that we have.

6)      We can speak English, Malayalam, Tamil and Hindi. How many languages can you all speak?

7)      We can watch Hindi movies and understand them and tell the good from the bad. How many of you will even make an attempt at learning our language, let alone watch our movies?

8)      You think all Mallus are black and unshapely and un-presentable? If so, why do you need a Mohanlal to act in ‘Company” or an Asin Thottumkal to co-star with Salman Khan and Amir Khan? Why do you need K.S Chithra or Sujatha to render some of the most beautiful songs ever in Hindi/Punjabi/Bihari/Marathi?

There are numerous other reasons that I would love to point out here but for the risk of boring my scant number of dear readers, I refrain from doing so. So I give all you, my beloved readers, something to ponder upon and comment/add to the points that I have mentioned here. Yes, the indignation is high and burning.

I agree, our land and its people have its short-comings but we aren’t inferior to anyone in this world. Alle? :)