This is where my rattled brains shoot away at the world.. take a tour

Monday, April 18, 2011

Point of No Return

It feels like sitting to write after being washed down by a tsunami and tornado together. The past month has been, by all counts, a one of irreparable losses, grief and despair. It affects you more when you are not allowed to show your emotions out because your close ones are searching for courage and support in your eyes; all you are capable of doing is stand mute by the side and watch the unraveling of misfortune and fate's cruel dance on the face of tragedy.

It all started with the shocking news of a neighbour's death who was a brother-figure throughout my childhood. Tragic death leaving his wife and little kid to fend for themselves.

An uneventful and sleepy Tuesday night last week was turned over by an international call to inform me about a death which is yet to sink in. An impulse, a thoughtless decision by a very dear one whom I always wish I could try knowing more about. A grandpa who is yet to believe that his granddaughter is no more, an elegant mother whose eyes seldom had anything but worry and concern in them - images that flash like flames of fire when I go to sleep. Why? Why test them more, O fate? My heart goes out to them especially my dear friend. May God almighty give you strength.

A day later, I am in my hometown, a far-flung village in the north of Kerala, hoping for some respite from all the emotional upheavals. I was more than confident that physiotherapy and care from an Apollo or Fortis will revive my grandpa, an ex-serviceman, who was the epitome of perseverance and strength for us. The first sight of him took the light out of my eyes.The look of pain and helplessness in his eyes combined with the sheer pleasure of seeing me after almost 3 years made me curse myself for all those times I kept postponing this trip. Perhaps, like my brother said, if I had a choice, I would have opted not to see him in this state of utter despair. I would rather have the image of my grandpa who is always up and about and restless to do more and never have even a single idle moment fresh in my mind always than the skin and bone lying in a hapless condition. There again, my mother looked in to my eyes for courage and all I could do was pat her back and reassure (why?) that everything would be fine. When I knew that my grandpa would not hold my hand and take me out for shopping anymore, when I knew that he wouldn't wait patiently with me at the railway crossing anymore for my love to see trains pass by, when I knew that he wouldn't have his usual round of drinks anymore in the evening like a regal service man and recount the stories of his times in the army, I assured my mom that he is going to be alright with time. Half an hour later, I did what I have always done from my childhood - hide my worries and tears in the bathroom with no one to overhear over the sound of water. Fate steps in again seething its fangs at my dear ones for reason unknown.

My heart wanted to stay back there for more days and take care of my dearest grandpa but my mind asked me to return home. I decided to listen to my mind. The day of my arrival here, again an uneventful day, was punctuated by a call in the evening informing me about the death of a neighbour. No words!

 When I blame fate for everything, I remember someone calling me fatalistic and a cynic. I want to ask that person now - what else do I do? When you want to lean on to someone and cry, the whole world leans on you and expects support.

Depression, something that has not left me since my early teens, is carving in deeper inside me and leaving holes there that I am not sure can be filled some day. Depression, the all-consuming cancer!

Word given to my brother - to keep my chin up! I'm trying, don't know how best. I am trying. After all, I wish I were as strong as  you are.


nisha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nisha said...

U r absolutely correct...
Depression, the all-consuming cancer!

Anonymous said...

Well..Cancer is not to be nurtured is it? It is to be scoffed, fought and destroyed, isnt it? Someone very wisely said that as you grow older, you're likely to become the strongest and wisest person you know. If that is true it means that only you can give strenght to yourself in these times of distress.

There's only way out of this level of sadness, And that is up. So pick yourself up, move on and move up.

Red Handed said...

Things happen.for better or worse!
We just pray that its for better, however painful
Your mother is a strong woman!

Musings of a Troubled Mind said...

@Red-handed - yeah she is. But there is a threshold.

By the way, thanks for taking time out to comment on my blog. May I know who you are please?